Yarra's Adventure Notes-Chapter 1444 - 230 Nellie’s Last Gift

"The moment I took a step back, I already realized what I had done. I regretted it, so I immediately took a step forward. Everything happened so quickly, nearly everyone present only saw my step forward and didn’t catch my immediate prior reaction. It was only later that I found out Flare was the only one who noticed something was off with me because she had been worried about me the whole time, sparing a portion of her attention for me," Pannis said with an especially calm tone, almost as if he were speaking about someone else’s story, unconnected to his own, with no hint of emotional fluctuation. "That was my reaction. As for Nellie, her reaction was the exact opposite. Before I had even moved backward, she was already preparing to dash forward. You should know that a person sensitive enough can predict another’s intentions by the way their muscles contract. So, at almost the same time, I knew she was ready to put herself in front of me and charge toward Danacus, and she also knew I was about to step back."

"So that’s what happened," Catherine said blankly, as if in a trance, muttering, "All of this happened at the same time?"

"Yes, almost simultaneously," Pannis nodded and said, "I stepped back and she advanced forward, so when I regretted my actions and immediately took a step forward to make amends, it was already too late. If I hadn’t stepped back to begin with, I might have had a chance to stop her when I sensed that she was ready to block Danacus for me and face the enemy myself. But I retreated. I hid behind her, so even though I wanted to make amends, to reach out and pull her back, there was nothing I could do. She was just too fast, even for my speed, and it was impossible to stop her after she had already started moving. Moreover, I still don’t know even now if my reaction to try to pull her back was merely for show or if I genuinely wanted to stop her. If I had really wanted to stop her, I wouldn’t have moved behind her in the first place, let alone complete the action of stepping back after feeling her readiness to move forward."

"I believe that was just an instinctive action to flee, and I also believe your attempt to stop her was equally instinctual and not just for show," Catherine sighed and said, "If you truly wanted to hide behind her and still pretended to try to grab her, you wouldn’t be blaming yourself for it now."

"I don’t know why I did it, and I’m not sure even now," Pannis’s expression turned somewhat bitter. "All I see in my actions is my own cowardice and despicableness, witnessing the unforgivable sins I’ve committed."

"What happened after that?" Lina asked softly, her voice gentle, "What occurred next?"

"I don’t remember much of what happened after that," Pannis shook his head and said, "The last thing I saw was the lance piercing through Nellie’s chest, going through her body, and the blood mist spraying from the wound. The last thing I heard was Danacus’s angry roar, and the last thing I felt was the Death Curse he cast on me out of unwillingness to accept his defeat. Now that I think about it, I could have neutralized that Death Curse, but at that time, I was utterly incapable of thinking about anything. I could only stand there dazed, letting the Death Curse take hold, only realizing when the curse invaded me that, at the last moment, the effect of the Death Curse was reversed by Nellie’s interference, turning into the Curse of Immortality instead."

The girls didn’t know what to say and could only look at Pannis blankly. Having spent the past few years with him every day, they knew the remorse and pain he was struggling with. That’s why they couldn’t offer him easy consolation as he calmly recounted the past. They could only watch him with eyes filled with a touch of pity, worried for the man who appeared outwardly calm yet whose eyes were deep with tumultuous emotions.

"That look... right, it’s exactly that," Pannis suddenly looked up forcefully, locking eyes with the girls, "I’ll never forget the last look she gave me. It was that same pitying gaze. If her eyes had shown disdain or pain, I might have felt a bit better, but there was none of that. Not even surprise, just pity and sadness. After that, I left the World of the Dead in a daze with them. It was only after returning to the Yarran World that I regained some semblance of consciousness. Hah, I would have rather stayed unconscious because once I became aware, I began to recall what I had previously done. I would have preferred to stay mad rather than face my own sins. My only thought then was to use blood and death to wash away my guilt, so I quietly left the others and ventured alone into the desert to end my life."

"That’s not atonement, that’s escape, Pannis," Catherine said softly, "You would have regretted it if you had really died."

"I certainly know now that it was an escape, but at that time, I didn’t," Pannis said with a wry smile, "And as you know, my attempt was doomed to fail. I found that under the influence of the Curse of Immortality, I had lost the ability to die. That was the last thing Nellie left me. At first, I didn’t understand why she would do such a thing. However, after suffering in regret for a while, I gradually came to believe it was her punishment for me, condemning me to forever pay the price for my actions."

"No, that’s not it." Catherine interjected without hesitation, speaking hurriedly, "If it were me, I would do the same as Lady Nellie. It wasn’t a punishment at all, but a representation of Lady Nellie’s love for you. You just said that Lady Nellie’s last look at you was the same as ours, and there’s a reason for that. Lady Nellie looked at you that way because she believed you acted out of a creature’s instinct, not out of true cowardice or betrayal. She sensed that you would fall into pain because of remorse afterward, so she looked at you with pity. She knew you wouldn’t forgive your actions, and she guessed what you might do in your frenzy, but that wasn’t the outcome she wanted. She didn’t want you to escape, didn’t want you to die in remorse. She wanted you to rise again. She hoped you would live on with cherished memories of her, so she left you the Reversed Death Curse as a final gift, hoping that one day, you would step out of the shadows of the past and face a new day anew."