Yarra's Adventure Notes-Chapter 1445 - 231 The End of the Past

"Everything is possible," Pannis said with a faint smile. "Perhaps you are right. Now, if I were to contemplate it, I might make the same guess, considering that at the time I couldn’t grasp such a notion. Those years, I loathed myself deeply and believed that Nellie should despise me just the same. She wouldn’t want to see me liberated, but instead hoped that I would be forever tormented by my conscience, which is why I was condemned never to die."

"So what?" Catherine asked softly. "Did you resent her back then?"

"How could I? No matter what she did, I thought it was the punishment I deserved. In fact, I felt that, given my actions, such punishment was far too mild. So how could I, in turn, resent her?" Pannis sighed. "Carrying such pain, I wandered the Yarran Continent, initially most of the time in a crazed state without Divine Wisdom. As time went on, the instances of clarity became more frequent, until in the last few decades, I barely lost my reason at all. However, I actually missed those times when I lost my sanity because only then could I avoid dreaming every night of the moment I stepped back, only then could I avoid seeing lances pierce the body and the blood mist filling the sky."

"Is that the scene you dreamt of every night? No wonder you shivered all over every time you woke up in the beginning," Lina took a careful breath and whispered, "I remember, whenever I accidentally dreamt about the past with my sister, my pillow would be soaked with cold sweat, and I might even scream myself awake. You experienced this every night. It’s truly... unimaginable."

"Therefore, every time I woke up, I despised myself even more. Only by letting myself sink into depravity, only by keeping myself in agony could the guilt in my heart be slightly lessened. But by the next day, the self-loathing would consume my heart again," Pannis recalled the past hundred years with bitterness. "I also thought about escaping the nightmares that tormented me, using alcohol, women, all kinds of thrills. I tried everything, but all attempts were in vain. At night, I’d return to that empty space and face the blood mist once again."

"Is it really as I said back then, that all the nightmares were brought upon yourself?" Catherine asked gently. "Is it because you couldn’t let go of your guilt from the past that you relived that experience every night?"

"Most of the time, it is as you guess, but occasionally there were other situations," Pannis seemed to recall something, his lips twitched, but in the end, he didn’t speak, only sighed. "In the last few decades, my life was just as you saw when you first met me, of course, not just in Quinzel Town, but all over the world. I’ve always made myself live like a maggot, but deep down, I always hoped that one day she would appear before me, pierce my heart with a lance, and personally put me to death."

"Why wish for such things?" Catherine had barely asked when she already understood the answer, giving a wry smile. "I see, in your eyes, her willingness to appear and kill you meant she had forgiven your crimes, and you could be relieved. You always felt she was punishing you because she hated you, but you didn’t realize that it was actually you tormenting yourself."

"Yes, I thought being killed by her was the ultimate liberation," Pannis nodded. "So I’ve been waiting for that day to come."

"I remember now, when I first met you, the first thing you said when you saw me was, ’Have you finally arrived? Is this the day of the final judgment?’" Catherine said as if a light bulb went off. "You mistook me for Lady Nellie then, no wonder there was such a look of relief, like happiness, on your face at the time." fɾeewebnoveℓ.co๓

"That’s the end of the story, afterwards, you all found me and together helped me regain the courage to face the past and repay my sins and debts," Pannis smiled again with his usual lazy smile. "Now that the story is told, you should understand what the real, complete me is like. Think about it, if this version of me is really someone you can look forward to."

"This version of you?" The girls looked at each other and let out a disdainful chuckle, Catherine’s lips edged up as she stared at Pannis. "We don’t know what the you in the story looks like, we only know what the you we see looks like. Heh, compared to the story, we still trust our own eyes more. Besides, from your personal perspective, perhaps this deed is truly an unforgivable sin to you. But have you ever wondered why Queen Flare doesn’t care? Heh, because in the eyes of others, it was merely an instinctual reaction made in a moment of confusion due to mental trauma. The idea that came after, wanting to remedy it, wanting to hold her and replace her, that was your true intention, not any betrayal or sin at all."

"Yeah, this ending is not the least bit interesting." Lina sneered. "It’s too far from those knight novels. I thought you were going to say something like you pulled Lady Nellie in front of you; if that were true, maybe it could be considered a betrayal and a sin. We might have really needed to consider it seriously, but with just what you’ve said, it’s hardly enough to make us waver."

"That’s why I told you from the beginning, not to read all those strange things," Catherine said, pressing the priest girl’s head. "You’ve already led Michelle and Ansha astray, and even those two idiots over there have been corrupted by you. I think you really need to reflect on it."

"Hey, hey, big sis, that hurts," Lina covered her head with her hands and scooted away, sticking out her tongue. "I am reflecting, really."

"I don’t believe it," Catherine rolled her eyes at the girl, then turned back to Pannis. "But she’s right, who you were in the past, what experiences you had, what you did, it doesn’t matter to us. What’s important is the you we see now. We trust our own eyes, so our perception of you won’t change."

"Heh, you people, one day you may regret it," Pannis was shaking his head, but unconsciously a smile appeared on his face. "However, since the story is over, it’s time for me to face the crimes I’ve committed. If there’s a chance to meet again, then I’ll give you a reason to regret it."