Reborn To Be The Imperial Consort [BL]-Chapter 100: Crimson Spider Lily — V

As Li Xinyuan gazed at the litany of cuts and faded or fading scars, he could feel a part of himself die the longer he looked.

So many of them, decades of mourning, decades of pain. And Li Xinyuan never once noticed even a singular crack in Hu Lijing’s mask of normalcy.

When he had been a child in this world of novel, he had been that just in the eyes of other while being a full grown adult in reality. How could he not have noticed?

How proficient was Hu Lijing in keeping his mask on all the time that it had done under his radar for so long?!

As his fingers gingerly traced over the white scars, the pad of his thumbs skimming over the discoloured tissue as he looked down at the forearm in his grasp with hooded eyes.

A few moments passed, shame and helplessness filled Li Xinyuan’s heart, squeezing at his airways so tightly that he could feel his breath cutting short, a heavy weight seemed to be crushing down on his chest all the while.

For such a thing to escape his notice for so long—!

He was a doctor! He had been a doctor for decades! What was the use of practicing medicine and being a professional if he couldn’t so much as make sense of someone he was so close to being in extreme depression.

To the point— to the point—!

Before he knew it, a choked and wounded noise left Li Xinyuan’s throat, the sound of it tight and heavy as he ducked his head, eyes snapping shut as the first prickle of tears stabbed at the corner of his eyes.

He was the closest one to Hu Lijing. They practically did everything together. They lived together, they laughed together, they are together; for the forsaken heaven! Li Xinyuan considered the nine-tailed fox to be his best friend.

And he... He had failed him, failed him sordidly in fact.

His hand tightened around Hu Lijing’s wrist, while he was afraid of hurting the latter more than he already must be, Li Xinyuan couldn’t help but squeeze tighter, a storm of emotions taking him in their merciless chokehold as he bowed his head, pressing his forehead against Hu Lijing’s marred wrist as his shoulders trembled, tremors wrecking through his body unceremoniously.

He felt so pathetic.

Hu Lijing looked down at him, his amber eyes dim and filled with a conflicted war of emotions as his ears pricked at the sound of muffled sobs from the young man. He could feel a stabbing pain in his heart, to see Li Xinyuan sobbing like this. It was the first time for him.

His fingers curled inward, closing into loose fist as he pursed his lips into a tight, thin line; teeth clamping down on the inside of his lips as he resisted the deluge of tears that welled in his eyes.

Looking at the tears Li Xinyuan was shedding, likely for his sake, an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame filled him, making his chest feel stuffy.

"Xinyuan?" He called out in a hoarse voice, his tone cautious.

Li Xinyuan answered him with a strangled noise.

"Please don’t cry..."

The surgeon’s sobs worsened.

Hu Lijing felt even more helpless as he took a deep, shuddering breath, his lungs feeling tight. "Xinyuan..."

"Shut up." Li Xinyuan snapped, his voice wet as he raised his head to look at Hu Lijing, his beautiful golden eyes glassy as he glared at the man. "Just shut up."

Hu Lijing promptly clicked his mouth shut. Two words and a single glare left him feeling thoroughly chastised.

Li Xinyuan looked away, turning his head slightly as he brought his other hand to his face, pulling down his flowy sleeve to wipe away the moistness on his cheeks, drops of saline hanging on his chin as he let go of Hu Lijing’s hand carefully.

He hadn’t wanted to burst into tears in front of Hu Lijing, much less snap at him. It would only have a bad effect on the nine-tailed fox after all. But... In the end, he couldn’t stop himself at all. Overwhelmed by the intensity of his own emotions, the surgeon ended up crying in front of the fox spirit and even snapped at him.

His reaction would only serve to fuel the unforgiving flames of guilt and self-blame to burn brighter and brighter without any rhyme or reason. Those flames would be ravenous, unstoppable and cold as ice as they devoured every bit of whatever broken pieces of what was left in Hu Lijing.

He gritted his teeth together, a piercing pain in his chest as he sniffled, dropping his hand to his side as he cleared his throat. A heavy lump formed in his throat as he slowly turned his gaze to look at Hu Lijing.

The latter was looking at him with the shadows of guilt shrouding his usually bright eyes — even if the brightness in them was fake, they had been bright nonetheless — and his lips pressed into a thin line.

The look on Hu Lijing’s face only served to intensify Li Xinyuan’s own guilt.

Fuck. He cursed himself internally, wishing that he could freaking beat himself up over and over again. Why couldn’t he hold his tongue?! He was usually able to surge most emotions and file them away for later, so what happened now? Why did he have to snap, dammit?

What kind of person was he? What kind of crappy friend was he?! Instead of comforting Hu Lijing he just had to snap, huh?

A silent chuckle rolled off his lips, the sound of it filled with self-mockery as he shook his head, noticing how Hu Lijing stiffened briefly at that.

Li Xinyuan pressed his lips together, drawing a thin line of displeasure. He was displeased with himself. But at the same time, he understood why he snapped the way he did.

His concern, worry and distress for Hu Lijing overwhelmed his desire to comfort the latter, leading his tongue to move faster than his thoughts could.

He meant well, he knew that. Him snapping at Hu Lijing came from a place of concern, he knew that.

But, did Hu Lijing?

The surgeon took a deep breath, his hands moving so that he could hold Hu Lijing’s as he opened his mouth to explain himself, only to freeze as the fox spirit spoke up first, leaving his hand hanging mid-air before he blinked and dropped it on his own lap instead.

"I understand." Hu Lijing took a deep breath, his head turned to the side as his lips quivered and he gazed at the running stream. "You don’t have to say anything, I understand." He paused, took another deep breath and then met Li Xinyuan’s eyes. "What I did was wrong, I know that. I feel disgusted with myself everytime I do it. It hurts but that hurt is accompanied by a rush of relief. I know that feeling is wrong too."

Li Xinyuan felt as if a thousand needles were stabbing into his heart all at once. He felt his breath die inside his lungs.

Hu Lijing blinked, a glistening drop of saline tear hanging from his damp lashes as he sniffled, hands clenching on his lap. "But I don’t have any other option. No one but — now — you know my past nor am I particularly keen on sharing it with someone else. I had no one to talk to, nor to confide in. I felt like I was dying inside. I wanted to feel something... I’m sorry."

Li Xinyuan frowned at him, his own body shaking slightly as he took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm himself down. "You could have confided in me. You could have come to me and talked. I would have listened, I would have understood—"

Hu Lijing interrupted him, a feeble chuckle dying in his throat as he shook his head. "No, you wouldn’t have. You were a mere child with no experience of what this world or another was like. You would not have understood."

Li Xinyuan ducked his head, fists clenching tight until his knuckles turned white.

He would have. He would have understood for he too had been through a rough patch like this. He too had lost someone dear to him. He would have understood the pain.